Joke night

“Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.

They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.

One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in.

A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.

So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’

The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'”

“An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.

The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay pedestrians’, he said, ‘Let’s go’.

The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, ‘Here! The pedestrians crossed ages ago – when’s it time for the Catholics?!'”

Thank you DB. I love these!

this was too cute.


After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadnt in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice,
‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
He responded: ‘I found the remote….

OMG! I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person! I always thought that he was theoretical physicist.

Sappho wrote:OMG! I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person! I always thought that he was theoretical physicist.

Lol!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will “receive free drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later,

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going fishing tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients. If there anything serious call me on my mobile but it should just be basic stuff.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Nurofen.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him some ENO for his stomach acid, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opened, and a woman entered.

Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lord Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it.

Let me know how it goes,” he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon.

“How did it go?” he asked.

“Oh Jesus Doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside myself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?” asked the doctor

“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised.

I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.

Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.

Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room ripped my clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”

“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, Doctor… I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “Well, my son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God”.